I’ve heard this many times in my life:

“I’m just trying to figure you out.” 

Am I that complex?  It’s actually kind of irritating.  I just don’t think you’ll actually get to know someone in 15 minutes.  I need alot more time than that and some just aren’t willing to wait that long.  I never have been a fast friend or one to jump into a relationship with both feet.  I like to put a toe in and test the waters first.  Maybe that’s just me protecting myself.  What’s wrong with peeling back layer by layer and knowing who someone truly is?  It’s more than attraction and infactuation.  It’s more than a high speed chase.  It’s just simply taking things one step at a time and enjoying every minute of it.  It’s not dreaming of the future but, saluting the future when your finally face to face with it.  Why the rush? I cannot stand it when something moves too quikckly.  It just annoys me bigtime. 

Just me and my quirks.  Again: “Single is not a sickness.” ;)))

Sometimes, I don’t mind being alone. Other times, alone feels lonely. I love the quote from one of my favorite movies, Hitch: “single is not a sickness.” No, it’s not. But, it doesn’t mean it’s not a bummer sometimes.

Things are finally starting to feel a bit more normal. I think the mind is the most mysterious place on earth, as you NEVER know what someone’s thinking. Even if you ask, you get an abridged version of what’s really going on. It’s way to complex to really say or express everything. I’ve been keeping to myself alot and I kinda like being alone at times. It gets me away from all of the noise and helps me to relax. Sometimes I’m too tired to entertain or react to anything so, I just close myself in and soak up some peace. I’m in the most bizarre place in my life right now and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night or in the craziest hour of the morning feeling like I’ve forgotten something.

Am I just feling lonely? Do I have insomnia? What gives?

I’ve taken some time off school just to hit a reset button and just simply stop running from one place to the other all the time. I’m moving in just a few days and I have really mixed feelings about it. Yes, I’m getting a nice new place but, I’m gonna miss the old one alot. My apartment right now is like that first cup of coffee on a Sunday morning and I just wonder if my new apartment willl feel the same. I was convinced that I needed to get a fresh start, change locations, and finally begin to heal. Yes, this new place is closer to the job that has become so enjoyable to me and I will be saving tons of money on gas but, there are other reasons why I’m moving. Alot of drama happened in that place. Some think that certain spirits linger and it’s best to just get out of the environment completely. It’s bitter sweet. It’s like that last gift that your ex gave you that you just can’t let go of. I got the most gorgeous perfume from someone I once loved. I wore it every day and snuck a spray of it more that once a day. The scent was intoxicating and it took me away to the sweetest moments with him. After we ended, I never wore it again but, I kept the bottle under my bathroom sink. I just couldn’t let it go. When I finally did, there was an ache. I felt like I torn off a band aid and the sting gave a few light tears. It’s strange the memories we keep. I had to let it go. Much like I have to let this place go. 6 years of my life are hidden in the walls of that place. There were good moments too. The laughter, the tears, the yummy meals, the feeling of home. I’ll never forget the moments that make me cringe and the ones that keep me fighting back tears even right now. Alot of you don’t know much about my private life and I’m sure you’d give me shocked and suprised looks if I didn’t use creativity in my words to discuise what the real deal is here. I’m thankful for the people that do know and have been supportive. Don’t think I’m the most difficult person in the world to become friends with. I’m not. I’m actually a really open person at times and I welcome even the smallest of conversations. Human contact is what I long for and need when I finally emerge from my cave. I’m not single because I’m so independent because I don’t need someone in my life. I’m actually very loveable and open to being in someones arms. I just need to know that I can trust you and I’m also the brightest one on one. Sometimes I enjoy a crowd. At times it gives fuel to energy and at others, it drowns me out. I guess I’m just a bit complex and bruised right now. I swear, emotions can be such punks sometimes. I hate crying. It makes me so vulnerable and so in need of an embrace. It’s insane how no one can hurt you more that your family. I guess it’s because they know you better than anyone else and they really know how to punch you in your diaphram and take your breath away. Everyone always caters to the sick one. Atleast that’s the story of my life. I’m well and can take care of myself but, it doesn’t mean I don’t need love and attention just like the other. Whoa…I just went down a dangerous trail.

Packing boxes, cleaning, loving on my cats who aren’t excited about moving but, can’t live alone in the old place…

Change is good sometimes so, I hope I’m smiling and not crying in just a short while.

This past few weeks I’ve had ‘writer’s block”. I’ve just had so much on my mind, there’s no possible way I could’ve ever put it into words. It’s strange how actions birth consequences and how those consequences effect even inocent bistanders. It’s insane how we are subject to another person’s free will. This life is certainly not fair. You want to protect the ones you love but, if they choose not to allow you to protect them in an attempt to save them, what else can be done? What stops us from running after them? When is enough finally enough? There comes a time when we have to look after ourselves and make better choices. I have someone very close to me going thru a really rough time. At times, I don’t understand the sickness. I want so much to understand and be compassionate but, there are times that its the demon that you have no clue how to fight. No, I don’t know how it feels to be in the shoes of this person but, I do know what it feels like to live with them. I’ll be honest…I thought I would grab a much needed break when they finally went away to treatment but, no. I’m heartbroken. I miss them more than anything. I spent so much time being angry and hurt that I didn’t think I’d feel so undone and so bruised. The tears came before I could stop them. It was tough even getting ready for work. I know that sometimes the only way out, is thru. If God can part the sea, move mountains, touch the insane, make lame walk…then I know He can change our lives if we allow Him to.

I wrote this the last time people were talking nonsense about the world ending. Thought I’d repost just for kicks…;))

Is it the end of the world as we know it?? I think not. I’m sure there’s thousands of people in line at the confessional, partying, blowing off responsibilities…Let’s get real, people. This has been a hoax that people get freaked out about every 10 years or so. I mean, people were freaked out about the end of the world when stagecoaches were one of the few transportation options, lol. No amount of technology can predict this. I’m pretty sure the world’s expiration date will come up someday when we least expect it. It will be someday when we are going about our business and being our true selves. I don’t believe anyone will be given a more fair advantage over the other as being pure of heart is of key importance. I don’t think you can be anymore ready than you are right now as tomorrow is never promised. We just assume it’s going to keep happening because it keeps happening again and again. It’s almost like that good song you keep on repeat that you never think you’ll grow sick of. then, one day, it’s off repeat and you can’t recreate the moment of hearing it for the first time. I believe that there is only one true God and He’s the only one that can truly change our hearts. If one only does good and is prepared because they know the end is approaching in just a few days and they think they just might get a substantial reward in the end, what good is that? I have a lot more respect for the people that party hard and go out with a bang, as they are at least their true selves. Don’t get me wrong, I do believe people are capable of changing. I just don’t believe one is truly changed of they just go back to being the ten kinds of wicked they are famous for when the hour passes and they are still here. Now, the person who said the end would be be happening this month is saying that it will now happen in October. Give it up already! You were wrong…your human…that’s okay. You would think that that would at least show the vast majority of us the end cannot be predicted. They’re (the NASA people) even saying that there could possible be life on other planets. Me, I personally don’t think that will happen. Do you even know how faraway these potential homes are? Many light years away. I don’t believe even our children’s children will get there. I believe that once your number’s up, it’s up and if this planet only survives a few more years, it only survives a few more years. I believe that life is something we are supposed to experience and enjoy to the full because we know we’re only getting one. Sorry, I don’t believe in past lives, reincarnation, etc. With that said, live life until the very last drop.

July 31st 2011

I quoted this a few months ago and I still believe it to be so true. My heart is saddened by yesterday’s tragedy. I’d protect a kid until I drew my last breath. My prayers are with those who have lost the little ones. My prayers are with those who educated and protected them.